Thursday, March 31, 2011

Attempting To Be In The NOW

I have been out of the blogging world for awhile now, I haven’t written anything for more than a week. I wouldn’t call it “writer’s block” but more of a preoccupation that is keeping me away. I am reading “The Power of NOW” by Eckhart Tolle. I am sure many of you have read this book but this is my second attempt at reading it. It was gifted to me more than three years ago but somehow after the first few pages I lost interest in it and the book remained an adornment in my colorful shelf until now. I suppose the time had come for me to take it up again and start reading. It has a lot to teach me. The book is all about what the title says “The Power of NOW”, to live in the “Now”, a not so simple task and yet not impossible. To achieve that we need to become a witness to our thoughts especially the irrelevant and negative ones that always takes over our mind and we begin to identify with those thoughts. Thinking then becomes a disease.

Of late I have noticed that my thoughts tend to dwell more and more on a sadness that I cannot pinpoint. And I seem to enjoy it despite the pain. It is almost like an addiction. Sad and painful thoughts, the negative emotions are all that I indulge in. I am afraid of happy thoughts because I feel that if I start doing that I will no longer be the “Queen of Tragedy”, thriving on pain. Feeding on the agony of a past and worrying about a future which is an illusion are all that I do. My days are miserable; I often lock myself in my room and cry for no reason. I guess I am on the threshold of a major depression. But like I said the time had come to do something about it. I took up this book just by accident or was it an accident? I am an avid reader and at that point this was the only book I hadn’t read so I started it. And this time I am glued to it.

“Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being. It also creates a false mind- made self that casts a shadow of fear and suffering.”

I began to take pride that I was analyzing everything including love. I remember reading some excerpts of Shri Shri Shri Ravi Shankar where he says, “Do not analyze love because the moment you do, you doubt love”. I was giving too much importance to my thinking mostly negative ones and they were riding on my back all day and night. Yet like everyone else I want peace and happiness. But how can I when I have become the slave of my thoughts? So I began this simple exercise where I am conscious of my thoughts but I am just the observer, a witness. It’s not easy because we are so used to our thoughts taking us over that even those few seconds of just being a witness to my thoughts took an effort. But I am sure I will get there somewhere when I can watch my thoughts and be amused. Every time I achieve a little I get a glimpse of that bliss, of the joy that is within me that cannot be touched by any outside influence.

The other exercise that Tolle says is to be aware of your present, to be fully conscious of our “now”. That is why the journey is more important than the destination, to notice the beauty around us, to take time to smell the flowers, as Debra in one of her posts wrote Are we more interested in the journey or the destination? We are usually so wrapped up in our anxiousness to reach our destination that we miss out the beauty of the journey. I hadn’t noticed this simple truth until I read it. Only the Now exists,” Nothing ever happened in the past, it happened in the Now, nothing will happen in the future, it will happen in the Now. What you think of as the past is a memory trace, stored in the mind, of a former Now. When you remember the past, you reactivate a memory trace – and you do so now. The future is an imagined Now, a projection of the mind. When the future comes, it comes as the Now. When you think about the future, you do it now. Past and future obviously have no reality of their own.” And here I was thinking and dreaming of a future, depending on circumstances to be right or the right person to come into my life to make my future more fulfilling. Even as I write these words, every word that is written happened in my Now and has already become a past. It is amazing, when you ponder on this truth, so simple and yet so profound. So these days I try and not dwell on the past unless it is very necessary to do so and that too only the positive ones. The moment sadness tries to seep in  I make myself conscious of them and  tell myself that this is all the past even if that past just happened a few seconds ago. But it is tough; I am so used to feeling sorry for myself that it takes a lot of effort. I have a long way to go but it is a step nevertheless. I am much more at ease these days; I can sense a different kind happiness in me which wasn’t there before. I haven’t yet finished the book but it has already transformed me in many ways.

I don’t know if I can ever write the kind of poems that I have written so far. They are dark and sad poems. Maybe someday when I am more in control of my negative energy I will write like that just to express a thought or emotion but till then I think I have no words. My dear friend,  Sulekha Rawatmy Outlier would always tell me to think happy thoughts and write about them but I have been unable to do so. Perhaps someday…. till then folks, let me concentrate on the NOW! But on a serious note those of you who haven’t read this book please get a copy and read it. It is worth it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Lost Forever

He was dear to so many; a son, a brother, a friend and a man in love; young, bright, funny, intelligent, helpful and full of life, someone who had dreams and so many adventures to look forward to in his life . He was 19. When he found her, she was just another girl, trying to find her way about in life, lost and confused. She was a troubled soul; life had not been kind to her and her family. She was 21.

They met at her sister’s.

 She found him arrogant and snooty, too full of himself, someone she would rather avoid.

 He fell in love with her the moment he walked through the door and saw her.

He had decided then that she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She didn’t know this till much later as their story unfolded.

One can never be sure what fate has in store, she wanted nothing to do with him but it was decided otherwise. Why she wonders to this day? Why did he come into her life? Was it to teach  her something? Or was it a prelude to all the pain that was laying in wait for her? What was life trying to tell her? Sometimes you feel that certain things needn’t have happened, that they are quite senseless. But are they? Doesn’t everything in life happen for a reason? There are no coincidences in life. Things, good or bad happen for a reason.

They were thrown together by fate. What transpired was a beautiful friendship. First impressions should not always be your last, she realized. Perhaps that was one lesson she learnt from this chapter in her life. Behind all that bravado was a shy young man, sensitive and loving. Like a tender bud unfurling its first fresh petals, their friendship blossomed into something lovely. He had plans for his future and she was a permanent part of it. She felt happy though she had her reservations. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy, they came from such different families, that neither would agree. He was confident though. He would tell her that if his love is true everybody will have to come around. So she started taking him home and as days went by her mother and brother began to see him for what he was, a wonderful human being, someone who loved her dearly.

It was the month of December, they had barely been together but both knew theirs was something to stay the rest of their lives. He came home one day and spoke of his plans with her mother. He asked her for her daughter’s hand in marriage, saying he will make her daughter very happy. Her mother did not agree or disagree, she just left it to fate but her respect for this young man increased. She had always hoped her daughter would marry someone like him, someone confident and so devoted to her daughter’s well being. Secretly she was pleased and knew when the time came to be supportive of both of them she would.
Three days later he drowned, never to be found. He was lost forever.

It was one of those annual picnics. From what they heard was that a group had taken a boat to explore the water and it capsized. One other person with them was sucked in by a whirlpool and in his attempt to pull himself out of the water he pulled this young man down too but not before he helped the rest of the people to hold on to the overturned boat before help came. His parents watched helplessly as he went down under.

The nightmare that began still haunts her at times. It was the coldest winter that year. She would lay awake at night and shiver thinking he must be so cold. All attempts to find him were in vain. They never did. He was lost somewhere in his watery bed for always. She could not give up hope. Every time the door bell would ring she hoped it would be someone with news of him. Like in the movies she hoped that he was found by someone and that he was being taken care of and that he had lost his memory. What wishful thinking! Life is not like that.

 Somehow there was never any closure for her or his family. She has moved on, had to but still in some corner of her heart she hopes that he is out there, lost. Even today she searches for him in crowds, searching for that familiar face amongst strangers.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Just a phone call

The door to her heart slams
With the click of the phone
The silence that follows
Haunts her every night.
Her momentary illusions
Splintering into thousand pieces
Of doubt and fear
She is once more alone
In her world of
Pain and anguish.
Her heart aching
She turns on her side
And tears flow
Soaking her pillow.
She is Cinderella
Living off on borrowed time.

Another moment gone
Another day has come to pass
Another long wait
Before that door opens
To let love in.
Days seem endless
Her wait stretching forever
Her eyes always watching
The slow ticking hands of the clock.
Waiting for that bewitching hour
When a flicker of hope
Of togetherness sparks in her…
That is all she has
No promises, nothing
Just a phone call
And a voice whispering “I love you forever”

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Death…Hers

There was something
About the wind that night
It howled and wailed.
The leaves of the trees
Rustled and hissed.
Somewhere in the distant
The mournful cries of dogs
Pierced the night.

Taunting shadows
Played hide and seek
With the frolicking branches.
A clap of thunder
Echoed angrily
As black menacing clouds
Blotted the moon,
Darkness no longer visible.

She stood in the clearing
A lone broken soul
The tempest outside no match
To the raging storm in her
Her wild haunted eyes sought
For answers in the blinding night.
None came ….
The wind snatched them away.

Her tormented wail of agony
Was that of a wounded animal,
That stilled the night.
She tried to hold on to them,
Her last shattered pieces
The remnants of what had been
Lay writhing and dying.

Like the hollow remains
Of a lighting struck tree
Bereft of hope, love, trust,
Dreams and desires
All taken from her
She stood alone, an empty shell
“Her”, gone forever.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Honored…The Versatile Blogger Award

I was completely taken aback last evening when I opened my mail. There was a notification that Mari. S. Wilbur has left a comment on my post “My name is Heart” where she congratulated me for being awarded as one of the Most Versatile Blogger by Jim Brandano. Mari was one of the winners. Thank you, Mari for informing me and commenting on my post. You are an amazing photographer.
As for Jim, my friend I look forward to your posts as well to your comments on my posts. I love the way you add an introduction to your photographs, like a prelude to something amazing and beautiful, your photographs.
I thank you for this honor. I am very new to the blogging world and to be recognized by another fellow blogger is very encouraging.
Now I have been given the difficult task of selecting seven such jewels, seven” Most Versatile Bloggers”. I have so many in my mind but am restricted to only seven. It is tough. It took me quite a few hours to select the ones. I have also been asked to write 7 things about myself. That’s one thing I have no clue about. Who am I? But I will give it a try. So here goes:

1.       I am a single mother of a 17 year old. I try to be both mom and dad to my incredible child. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail miserably.
2.       I am very emotional. I cry at movies, I cry listening to beautiful music, I cry looking at anything beautiful. However onions don’t make me cry because I have learnt the trick!!!
3.       I forget and forgive very easily, that’s why I tend to make similar mistakes.
4.       I only listen to my heart, very rarely to my reason and I usually jump from the frying pan to the fire.
5.       I have amazing friends who have stood by me in my most trying times. I thank god for that.
6.       I am an incorrigible romantic! No matter how battered and bruised I never give up hope for another romantic adventure.
7.       I believe in soul mates, not one but many.

THE SEVEN JEWELS:    Her blog name says it all. Her profile says, “I love life & and people. I'm a giving person. I would rather be a server than to be served. I forgive at the drop of a dime. But, I won't allow anyone to walk over me anymore …” Very informative, her blog is a store house of information on relationship.  Sumit Chakraborty, an upcoming blogger. Despite his young age his writings tell another story, that of a sensible, thoughtful, mature person. His poems reflect a sensitivity that is very endearing. Please follow this young man.  A journey of a father and daughter. Alejandro is funny, touching, heartwarming and sensitive. A blogger whose “daughter keeps her dad young as she grow older…” He has thousands of followers but those of who haven’t, please go and visit his blog. Sarah Jane, a very busy working woman and a mother but somehow she manages to stay on the top. A prolific writer who also suffers from writer’s block like all of us but has wonderful friends to contribute to her amazing blog. A must visit.  YogaSavy Savira, a yoga teacher, her blog is about the balance that we mortals are trying to achieve in life to find peace. “LIVE In The Moment LAUGH Always BREATHE With Awareness” is her blog name. Every post of this amazing blogger leaves you thinking. A must visit to this special lady’s blog.  The last of my choice but not the least. This young woman is strength, beauty, sensitivity and thoughtfulness personified. Alpana’s writings reflect all of that. She writes about love, relationship, and life. You have to visit her blog to see that.

Friday, March 11, 2011

My name is Heart

I was once young and full of life, enthusiastic blood pumping through my veins. I looked forward to embark on this journey called life, full of excitement, thrill and romance. Whenever people would ask my keeper “What do you want in life?” I would make her say “Oh I want excitement, I don’t want a boring life. I want to experience everything because ‘variety is the spice of life’ (that was my motto!). I sure wasn’t prepared for the roller coaster of a life I have had since. My keeper, poor thing, she didn’t know what she was getting into either, following me the way she did. She would have been better off listening to Reason. God he is so boring, so practical, no fun at all! But I suppose my hold on her was more than Reason. He tried time and again to make her see things his way but….

 I have two loyal friends though. One the window to my soul, she only shows the world what I want her to show. The world can see through her when I am happy or sad. Sometimes when I ache and can no longer take the pain, she will refresh me and lighten my pain by shedding some tears. Sometimes when I don’t want the world to see me vulnerable, she will wear rose tinted glasses.  Oh she is gorgeous! The other, my life source, my very essence, without him I am a goner. He works night and day to rejuvenate me. We had made a pact the day I was born that he would ceaselessly continue to replenish me, pumping his life saving liquid into me till I tell him to stop. The three of us have been no match for poor old Reason. These days he sits in some corner sulking.

Today when I look back at the life we have had, I have no regrets and I am sure none of the two have either. Oh sure I don’t look as pretty as I used to. No matter how hard I try to sew up the tears and rips, it is still a shoddy job. My walls keep bleeding; they just stare at me accusing me for putting them through so much. There are some wounds that just refuse to heal no matter how hard you try. After all what do you expect after all the battering and bruising? Oh but I have had my share of fun too. I feel enriched and more complete than ever before.

 My friend has lost some of her sparkle but it is still there nevertheless and my life saver,( oh I love him) well he is getting a bit slow, no longer bubbling with that much excitement as he used to. These days my keeper needs to boost him once in awhile with medicines.  As for my keeper, god bless her soul, there have been times in our journey when she has pleaded with me “Please stop, go slow, sometimes let me listen to Reason!” but I couldn’t. I would tread fearlessly where there was agony as well as ecstasy; I have had my share of adventure and misadventure. I have met wonderful people with like minded hearts, made friends that will be with me till I finally call it a day. Oh I wouldn’t trade all that for anything! She is getting old, my keeper, her bones are tired and weary but I know deep inside she will always be ready for another romance, another voyage. I just have to sniff out one before we are off, all four of us, to experience life’s myriad faces.
My name is Heart.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Her Truth

The sun is smiling
Down at her
Bathing her with his
Pure light
“Wake up to a new day”
He nudges her
For a moment her
Heart soaks in his
Bright warmth
And then she turns…
The emptiness beside her
Jolting her back to
Her reality.

Frenzied she sits up
Was he for real or
Was he a dream?
Her eyes dart in panic
Searching for him
A wail starts in her
Chocked throat.
Where has love gone?
She steadies her
Beating heart.
 Letting her senses
Takeover, she looks
For signs he left behind.

A whiff of him
Caught between the sheets
The still damp towel
And tooth brush
 Sitting in the bathroom
Tiny wisps of his hair
On the pillow next to her
His voice still whispering
In her ears “I love you”
The sensation of his
Tender arms around her
The feeling of his head
On her lap as he lay watching her
Her body tingling with his touch
His laughter echoing around her
The sweet taste of his mouth
Still lingering in hers
All testimony of their love.

With a sprint in her step
And a song in her heart
She gears up for a new dawn.
Reliving their moments
With a hope and a belief
That he is her one and only
Incredible truth.
Renewed and rejuvenated
Anticipating other magical
Timeless moments with
Her soul mate
She smiles and looks up
At the welcoming sun.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Dark Liberator

I am the liberator
For those who know me
The hour of darkness
For those who don’t
Cold and merciless
I am shrouded in mystery
A harbinger of sorrow,
An annihilator,
Dispassionate and indiscriminate.

I am the misunderstood truth
For many I am untimely
But I remain the slave of time
Arriving never before
Only when the hour is at hand.
The ageless dark knight
Riding his black horse
Shunned and unwelcome
I come nevertheless.

I am the beginning
And yet for most
I am the end.
Fleeing from me
But escaping not my embrace
I am the soulless collector
Of souls, holding out my hand
Helping them cross the realm
To another new journey.
I am death.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

His Steadfast Love

She rips his heart
With her tongue.
Sharp as a razor
The blade lashes and
Draws blood giving
Vent to her aching heart.
He listens
Mute and helpless.
There is nothing
To say or do
But love her.

Her heart is fragile
And she tears it
Time and again
With her cruel tongue
The torrent of angry
Pain ridden hurtful words
Is relentless
Deafening the silent pleas of his heart.

The fires of her hell
Blind her
Her every spoken thought
Judging and damning him.
And yet victory is
Not hers to keep
For his weeping heart
Is hers too.

Spent she listens
To their agonizing quiet.
Her soul weeps
As he draws a sigh
That quiver with unspoken hurt.
His sadness almost palpable
His silence he breaks and says….
“I love you baby”